Far From The Tree

               A few months ago I heard of a town called Newtown, Conn for the very first time. Even as I sat in awe with watering eyes I couldn't stop staring at pictures of the killer, they were all over the news and burned into my retinas. Why did this happen, how did the happen and what the hell did his parents do to him? It was right after this tragedy that I remembered this book, maybe it would help me find some answers. But like any good book this one doesn't straight out hand you the answers you're looking for, instead it opens your mind to the possibility that some things might not have answers.
              I have to start out by saying that I haven't finished this book, and here's why, each chapter is basically a book in itself and each chapter is heavy and difficult in it's own ways. Andrew Solomon takes the time to talk to and study many different types of parent/child scenarios. He has a chapter on children with schizophrenia, deaf children, little people, children that were born to women who were raped, children who grew up to be criminals and many, many more.
            But the one that I want to focus on is the chapter called "Crime" and it is the 10th chapter in this book. Now perhaps it's because of everyone that died in Newtown or my memories of the Columbine shooting but this chapter touched me like some of the others didn't. Many of the kids, as can be expected, grew up in broken homes. Their mothers were single, working moms that could never be home and their father's were no where to be found, they bounced through foster care or had a more traumatic childhood; but not all of them came from broken homes, and not all the blame can or should be laid at the feet of their parents. Sometimes the parents have no idea until it's over and even when all of their child's flaws are laid before them we can't expect these parents to abandon the love they hold for the child, no matter the crime.
           At the very end of this chapter Andrew interviews the parents of Dylan Klebold (one of the seniors who shot up Columbine Highschool). Andrew asked Dylan's mother (Susan), "What would you want to ask Dylan if he were in the room with us, Sue looked down at the floor for a minute before saying quietly, "I would ask him to forgive me, for being his mother and never knowing what was going on inside his head, for not being able to help him, for not being the person that he could confide in." Later she said, "I've had thousands of dreams about Dylan where I'm talking to him and trying to get him ready for bed, and I lifted up his shirt, and he was covered with cuts. And he was in all this pain, and I didn't see it; it was hidden."~ page 595 to page 596 of Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Sometimes it really isn't the parents fault and sometimes they're hurting just as much as the rest of us, if not more. Dylan was a good kid, quiet, but a good kid as far as his parents knew. He grew up with loving parents, in a middle class house.
          This book opened my eyes to a lot of things and really got me thinking. I've also read the chapters on the deaf and the chapter on dwarves, both of which were just as fascinating and just as eye opening. I don't know yet if I want kids, but reading about what these parents go through and the love they have made me feel less afraid, not more. If they could overcome it all and still some how come out the other side still loving their children, still happy that they had them the rest of us should be just fine also. This book in the end, despite everything is a book about love, tolerance and understanding. It is a book that's worth the time it takes to read it.